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Why the Guy Who's Not Your Type May Be Mr. Right A dating expert encourages women to ditch their checklists and be open to meeting men outside their comfort zone. by:- Delaina Dixon, "He's just not my type!" If that's the exclamation that comes out of your mouth every time you meet a guy you like but he doesn't fit your “dream man” criteria, and you're still single, Andrea Syrtash would like to have a word with you. The dating expert has written a new book, He's Just Not Your Type (And That's A Good Thing), and in it, she encourages women to widen their scope (and ideal mate checklist!) and be open to meeting men who seem outside their comfort zone. In other words, consider the idea that Mr. Not-Your-Type could become the love a lifetime. After all, that's what happened to her. "I fell accidentally in love," confesses the former commitment-phobe. "I dated some very successful and accomplished men, including some whose names I can’t mention." Then Andrea met her now-husband Michael, a New York City educator. Their friendship soon blossomed into love. "I married this goofy teacher that I totally was not looking for, and I've never been so happy in love." Read 8 Reasons to Go Out Tonight As Andrea points out, "We don't always wind up with the guy we thought we would be with, or the person we pictured in our head," and that's OK. "I want to encourage women that if they feel strongly for someone who may not add up on paper not to be afraid of those feelings because pursuing it could lead to a great love and life partner." With this in mind, we decided to talk with Andrea about her book, and the thinking behind it: What inspired you to write this book? “Ten years ago a friend called me crying and told me that she’d fallen in love. She was totally freaked out because the guy wasn't her type, and yet she was really happy. She was having these great emotions for someone and questioning it. So many of us overanalyze who we’re dating. I realized that the right match is about a feeling, not a thought.” What's the biggest mistake you see women making when they date? “A lot of women date the potential of a man, not the person. It's a wonderful quality a lot of women have, that we think guys can be changed or come around if we're there long enough. But we need to learn to read their actions, not their words. It doesn't matter if he's promising you the world. If you're not getting what you need, that's your clue to move on.” In your book, there are three types of non-types to date. Can you break them down for us? “The first is the departure non-type, which is completely opposite from your usual choice. You may say ‘I only like extroverts,’ and then you meet an introvert, or ‘I only date Republicans’ and you hook up with a Democrat. “The superficial non-type is the guy who, on the most superficial level, doesn't add up on most women's checklists because he's too short, too bald or too fat – not the tall, dark and handsome guy who’s on everyone's list. “The circumstantial non-type may add up on paper, but his circumstances don't. He may be great, but he's divorced, or has , or is from a different religion or lives across the country. In all these cases, when the guy doesn't add up but we have strong feelings for him anyway, we doubt ourselves. We say, ‘I don't know how I should feel.’ If you want to be around him and you're happy and he brings out the best in you, why are you questioning it? Go for it.” How do you get excited about dating someone outside your comfort zone if you're not normally attracted to those types of men? “Take baby steps. Be open to the fact that your non-type can come in a different package than you imagined. Everyone is entitled to deal-breakers, even superficial ones, like not dating a guy under 5'10". But I encourage you not to make the laundry list too long. In the book, you get to pick five must-haves and can't-stands, so you better pick them well. When you have to narrow down your must-haves like that it might lead you to choose ‘family values’ over ‘blue eyes’ or ‘never been married.’ It's important to note that none of the women I spoke with, who ended up with guys who weren't their type, feel they settled in any way. They all felt more in love than they ever had in their life. Are there any things you should do before you try dating someone who's not your usual type? “First, get clear on your dating patterns. Do you always date guys who cheat on you or do you only like bad boys? Be conscious of your patterns and then break them. Get clear on your core values and seek out someone who aligns with them and respects what's most important to you. "Second, challenge yourself. You have your love roadmap of what you're looking for, but you don't want to fill it with must-haves, like ‘he must have never been married’ or ‘he must be this height.’ If you have too many must-haves, you're setting yourself up for failure and closing yourself off to some guys who may have been a wonderful match for you. "Last but not least, build your dating life around what you love. Once you've committed to new patterns, you will literally have to be in new places to meet those men. Think of where you might meet a guy who shares some of your interests and values: book clubs, a lecture series, sporting activities you enjoy. Even if you don't meet a man, you'll have a good time and your best you will shine through. There's nothing sexier than a woman who is confident and sure of herself." _______________________________________________________ Well well well, I've been telling women this in thousands of blogs.. but they simply don't listen, but maybe it takes a woman telling them before they open their eyes, and their minds. the world is such a strange thing, I've written on this subject since the late 1970's- instead of women listening, they get their defense mechanism in high gear, and their attitude with a super-chartered denial and sadly many ratchet up the means to ignore anything and everything, ans assume no one can tell them anything, and they grab their checklist and continue to make themselves dateless and relationship wreckers, with the insidious list that are more fantasy and illusion, than dealing with the basic of reality. some get this, I'm a princess delusion, and think they should be given the world, just to share a conversation, and some put on fancy clothes and think it makes them above being a human social being, and again the get their check list, and later are some place crying, wondering what went wrong, but still does not awaken to throw the checklist away and become a actual social human being. if you try to tell them some simplicities of truth without all the patronizing flattery, they want to claim you hate women, because they are too obstinate to listen, learn and grow. and then they claim they can't find anyone, and the excuse is always the same,"it's always his fault" as if she has this self grown delusion os being perfect, and the master of relationships- but she's results to be the one crying that love is gone. Well maybe this woman who wrote the book may open the eyes of other women, Eat Live and Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote the book, learned that she had to change if she expected to find love, and her next book, took the step of growth... then she wrote "committed"... when she opened her eyes, that her checklist were making her life and his a hell with a daily tornado crashing in the middle of everything. Will it take 10-20-30 years before women as a whole grasp the ability to grow beyond their selfishness and their self obsessed checklist?? or it may take a few hundred books on the subject, before they get off the high and learn to live in the world and share equally as she expect men to do.. without a bunch of madness of thinking it's all about her, and using a checklist to try and dictate, manipulate, regulate and destroy relationships?? |
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爱的真谛 爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈； 爱是不嫉妒；爱是不自夸，不张狂，不作害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。爱是永不止息。（圣经林前13：4-8） Love is patient, love is kind {and} is not jealous; love does not brag {and} is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong {suffered, } does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; （Bible 1Co13:4- 圣经金句与您共勉！ 愿上帝赐福你！ 耶稣爱你，愿主祝福你！
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5/12/2010 8:52 am |
yes, getting that "properly placed".. does make a big difference in how relationships unfold.. as well as 'where the desire gravitates to pull a man".... the simple solution... is be willing to "take in some" at each opportunity.... not only will you find you smile more, he will too.
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5/12/2010 8:57 am |
you gotta remember, 'p___ is a terrible things to waste- it naturally takes a rest period a few days a month, other than that, you should be trying to get it properly fitted with the proper natural organ, as frequently as possible. remember- a D___, stand with a ready and willingness to 'be properly placed", when the woman, understand the magical realism it does for her and him, to connect the two. the body knows what to do, people disrupt it with their minds.
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